Originally written on Monday, 21. August 2006

GRIMSBY (n.)
A lump of something gristly and foul tasting concealed in a mouthful of stew or pie. Grimsbies are sometimes merely the result of careless cookery, but more often they are placed there deliberately by Freemasons. Grimsbies can be purchased in bulk from any respectable Masonic butcher on giving him the secret Masonic handbag.

One is then placed in a guests food to see if he knows the correct Masonic method of dealing with it. If the guest is not a Mason, the host may find it entertaining to watch how he handles the obnoxious object. It may be

(a) manfully swallowed, invariably bringing tears to the eyes,
(b) chewed with resolution for up to twenty minutes before eventually resorting to method (a),
(c) choked on fatally.

The Masonic handshake is easily recognised by another Mason incidentally, for by it a used Grimsby is passed from hand to hand. The secret Masonic method for dealing with a Grimsby is as follows : remove it carefully with the silver tongs provided, using the left hand. Cross the room to your host, hopping on one leg, and ram the Grimsby firmly up his nose, shouting, ‘Take that, you smug Masonic bastard.’*

It is with this in mind that I have decided to write an occasional piece on the subject of food. More importantly, food on the hoof. The bite to eat you grab when you are in a rush, need something quick and easy, but crucially, are not at home, or in your own city or in some cases, not even in your own country.

Food on the hoof can be one of those things that will make or break a weekend, will be the cherry on the bakewell of a well earned holiday, or sometimes, if you are unlucky, will be the Grimsby in your stew.

Over the last few years I have done a little bit of travelling and have visited and stayed in some really interesting places. So, I have decided to compare the ‘food on the hoof’ experience of one place to another. These are just my thoughts, it must be said, and food is, after all, a very personal experience. You either enjoy it or you don’t. It satisfies your quells for good food, or is simply a method by which you can consume some carbs’.

But how to measure ? Well, there a re a variety of things to consider. Food availability, good food availability [sometimes two totally different things], different types of food, any vegetarian food [after all, not everyone eats meat] and of course price. Price is something that is of course relative, so as a yard stick, UK prices will be seen as average, and all else will based against this.

So where to start ? Well, I though it only fair to start with the UK, my home country. The UK has a population of around 60 million, most of whom live in the major towns and cities, such as London, Leeds, Birmingham, Manchester etc. and it is fair to say that the food on the hoof rating varies wildly from town to town and city to city. The city I know best is Leeds, population circa 1 million people.

Leeds is an odd place to eat out and I think epitomises the UK when looking for food. Of course there are the usual suspects [and I do mean suspects] when it comes to eating out; Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Pizza Hut et al, and of course all the ‘me too’ eateries. But lets not include these as they have as much in common with good food as Capone had with good bookkeeping.

So what to eat in Leeds ? Well, there the chain of bakeries that straddle the north of England, such as Thurstons (now Greggs) and Ainsleys. Pies, pasties, sausage rolls, puddings, cakes and the occasional bag of crisps. Oh and sandwiches of course.

So what of sandwiches, the stalwart of the British snack. Well, Marks and Spencer sell more sandwiches each day than there are exotic dancers in Amsterdam. And not to be outdone, Prêt A Manger has joined the scene in the last couple of years with even more exciting sandwiches. Oh yes. And not forgetting all of the local and privately owned sandwich shops looking to cash in on the Earls most famous creation. Admittedly, he only added the top slice, but it was a masterly stroke.

Such is the British fascination with sandwiches, that almost anything that can be eaten will be wedged between two slices of bread and eaten out of hand. Aromatic Duck, Tuna and Cucumber (the British sandwich ?), Wensleydale and Carrot Chutney, Egg and Cress, Avocado and Mozzarella, the list is truly endless.

But what if you fancy something more wholesome than a sandwich, something to get your teeth into? Well, now it starts to get a bit thin. There is lots of Indian, Thai and Chinese eateries, and slices of pizza but these are mostly ‘take out food’ eaten either out of tin foil containers (mmmmmmmmmmm delicious, no really!), greasy cardboard boxes and occasionally, a bag. To be fair, Indian, Thai, Chinese and Italian, to name a few are prolific everywhere in the UK, but mainly in restaurants and café’s, but not really food on the hoof.

But there is one meal that is really world class that simply can not be bettered anywhere in the world. Fish and Chips. Cod, Haddock, Sea Bass, Hake, Plaice, a whole range of different fish, cooked in the lightest of batters, sometimes a beer batter made with English dark ale, with wonderful thick chips, NOT to be confused with fries and certainly not American style ‘chips’ that come in a plastic bag and are barbeque flavoured.

Fish and Chips with salt and vinegar. Eaten out of yesterdays newspaper. With mushy peas. Truly a Yorkshire delicacy that has taken the world by storm. I know Lancashire and London both claim to have invented fish and chips, and the truth is, no one really knows, but throughout the 19th C. most of the fish consumed in the uk came in through Grimsby and Immingham docks, in the Riding of East Yorkshire.

Ok, I may be eulogising a little here, but a well cooked fish and chips is frankly food fit for anyone, except of course the vegetarian. Raleigh brought the potato to Europe and the English promptly cut it into thick slices and fried it. It is not clear who invented the fire lighter.

So, a quick précis of English food on the hoof. Sandwiches excellent, which is why eat so many of them, pies and pasties are, to be honest mainly a northern dish, except of course for the very good Cornish pasty, a meal in pastry you can hold. And fish and chips. In all honesty, who can say that, stood at St Mary’s Church, looking down to where Captain Cook set sail with a little known botanist called Darwin and where Bram Stoker first created Dracula, that fish and chips is not the greatest English take out food.**

And the UK food on the hoof rating; 

            

out of ten.

* Douglas Adam : The Meaning of Liff
** No, I’m not going to include Haggis, which frankly, considering it is mushed up sheep’s offal in the sheep bladder, I’m not even sure it qualifies as food.